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An actual picture of "El Hombre montaña" with Crandall Orbison, 2 metres-tall wrestler, during an exhibition in Orlando
"Sometimes, the natural laws take twisted, astonishing paths unnoticedly: from the French Revolution resulted The Republic; from The Reform, the protestantism.
Eduard Punset wasn't meant to be, when his parents did engender him, the blinding monster that his short, yet rampant career showed: in this story is intertwined the absurd with the horrific; the impossible with the latest Catalan nutrition's habits: this...this is terrible..."
Compiled by Jordi Caca
First years:
El hombre montaña was born in Sallaxsellselat-D’Guixollsterratxells, Catalonia; his Christian name was Eduard Punset, later, converted to the ultraorthodox judaism, changed it to Moshe Perez: from his very birth demonstrated an unusual strength strangling the nurse.
One time his mother was breastfeeding him, the baby Eduard sucked so strongly that almost swallows the poor woman alive.
The kid montaña was growing robust and healthy: being 3 years old, already was 1,80 metre tall, exactly as tall as his father: Chico Buarque Punset, a known merchant of bondiolles and cold cuts in the town.
Being 10, the little Eduard was already 2,19 tall, and started being called ‘the mountain’ and ‘the vertical kilometre’ by his scornful classmates. Notwithstanding, this attitude was not recommendable, since Eduard hadn’t usually good mood, and used to get violent with his classmates, sending them regularly to the hospital, sometimes in coma.
Adolescence and youth:
Being 17, Eduard ‘el hombre montaña’, was already 2,90 tall, and was engaged by Athletic Bimbo as pivot of basketball, with a contract for 10 years: thankfully to his prodigious performances, Athletic Bimbo became a club with national, even European impact, winning the astonishing thread of 79 cups in 2 years (they played alot).
No doubt: El hombre montaña would be called to play in the NBA; and so it was: with a monster-contract of 2.675 million dollar per year, Eduard would start playing for the Boston Erotomaniacs for 29 years, with total incomes that were slightly higher than the external debt of Brazil and Colombia together.
The unexpected came, finally, during his first match, against the L A Neanderthals: after a tremendous match, where he scored 175 triples; tried to immortalise himself in the bronz definitely, and attempted the biggest slam dunk ever seen: with nationwide TV transmission coast to coast, and via coaxil to 795 countries; el hombre montaña started running with perfect dominion of the ball, bounce by bounce, getting closer and closer to the basket; beheld by the amazed audience; 1, 2, 3 bounces and then yes: at high speed he tried, finally, the most AWESOME jump never seen; but in the exact moment of the jump, Eduard slipped with something unknown: water, sweat, saliva, mazola oil, a chewing gum, cum, pepsicola, Fanta, Schweppes? Nobody knows; but with the titanic impulse he did fly violently away at indescribable speed, crashing against one of the stadium’s columns, and tearing the stadium down from the foundations, due to the appalling impact, like Samson with the columns of the temple; all this, catastrophically seen live on TV, in front of the idiotized stare of millionaire audiences.
Horrific end for the mountain man, ghastly, abysmal, awful, terrible, Seinfeld; I haven’t adjectives to depict this big massacre, that ended with the mountain man, 100.000 people of the audience, and the stadium.
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