"Story of Rono Benson", compiled by Matildo Babington-Fromage Merdeka Editions; Moscow-Aberdeen-Pago Pago-London-Bolivia
Rono Benson was born in Atacama, Chile, his father was an English body builder: Mierdo Benson, who just moved to Atacama because he loved the desert with 59ºc in the shade.
His mother played the cornet in the Camerata de Atacama, little orchestra that entertained the paisanos of the location, mostly useless bumpkins and blottos, who got fun with the shows, usually for free, which sometimes ended in tremendous turmoils, due to the thrashy-junked-heavy metal-travesty-communist-Jew-Muslim-terrorist orientation of the audience.Rono started showing his managerial abilities very soon, managing this little orchestra, and getting them venues and places to play, like Cuccurullo pub, or a very popular club: "Mapocho Vaginal", where his mother's orchestra usually played, thanks to the Rono's contacts and verbosity.
Being still very young, Rono Benson moved to Los Ángeilis, city of Calafonia, US; the things were not easy for Rono: he started washing dishes in an Italian ristorante: "La Mia Manganeta", property of a maffioso who usually slapped him, and obliged him to pick the turds of the dog from the floor.
Soon Rono Benson could leave that pizzeria of Hell, and thanks to an advertisement in a newspaper he saw, started working as roadie for Perry Como.
His garrulity and logorrhoea, I mean, his excessive, uncontrollable, sometimes even incoherent talkativeness caught the eye of the Perry Como's manager, Aldo Garcha-Clemas, who offered Rono to be his personal assistant, assuring him a generous salary of 101,2 dollars month.
Quickly Rono Benson started getting in touch with many other artistes that Garcha-Clemas exploit...I mean, managed, like Michaedl J Foxs, John Travolta, Kird Douglass, or Jack Palankeen: all them asked to be co-managed by Garcha and Rono, fact that infuriated Aldo Garcha-Clemas, who fired Rono Benson immediately.
Notwithstanding, all these artistes soon required Rono to be their personal manager, and many others, like Ringo Starronga, Roy Orbital, Sylvester Stallion, Charles Bronsonsky or Jack Lemonovich, because Rono got them better contracts in Hollywood.
In his astronomical-ascending career of frenetic thousand dollars, and brand new Citroen's, and morphine tea, and easy girls, Rono started acting eccentrically, dressing like a Sicilian gangster, and wearing a Mexican hat on his arse.
Rono then started managing Francesco Sinatrosa and Dean Martin, who always sang toget her in Las Vegas: in his whirlpool of delirium, his vortex of madness, his maelstrom of success, rivers of champagne and dollars, Rono Benson turned into a celebrity in LA and in Vegas, and in Topeka and in New Jerk; starting a real managerial marathon, including names like Duffy Duck, Tom Jones, Elton Jones, Ossie Osborne, Barry Manilowicz, Maradonna, Madonna, Mandona, Masonna, Gene Simmonsky, Larry Kingfeld, Bruce Willisovich, Arnold SchwarzenHitler, Jon Bon Jovi, Courtney Hate, Bette Midlerberg, Woody Allen or Antonio Banderolas.
His proverbial excesses almost end with his health: one day Rono sniffed one too many lines of Rinso laundry soap powder, and had to be immediately hospitalized in coma: Rono was a bit exacerbated at the time, not to say he was totally insane.
Other day Rono, who already acted like a rock star, was hanging with Steven Tylerotta, singer, bassist, guitarist, drummer and cornetist of Aerosmich, they were drinking and did bet that whoever drank the least, would be set on fire: Rono and Tylerotta drank, litre after litre of everything they had at hand, beer, whiskey, wino Pajarito, Wodka, Tequila, Fernet Branca, Cynar, Martini's, Cinzano Rosso, Asturian cider, Carcassona, Sake, daikiri's, Tokay, Amontillado, whisky-cola's, brandy HMMMMMMMM more wino: there wasn't enough ethyl to satiate the alcoholic orgy, until the moment when Rono was really really REALLY sick, and started puking, and puking and puking, and he was 19 hours puking non stop.
Finally he had to honor the bet, and did set himself afire like a bonzo: fortunately there was a fire extinguisher in the house, and Tylerotta quenched the ignited body of Rono Benson, saving him from a heroic but retarded death.
All this didn't daunt Rono, who still continued with his legendary excesses, even more: he decided to redouble the bet and go even beyond: his feat should be unforgettable, his reckless derring-do should be nonpareil, his bizarreness should be spectacular, because he was alrreadeyyy totallly nuuuutsssss, totally harebrained fucking crackpot-loopy, and completely and fucking doolally: for his ultimate adventure he would travel to Egypt, and jump flying a hang-glider from the highest pyramid, with an anvil tied to his feet.
Everybody begged him to forget such idiotic endeavour, but Rono didn't hear anybody mostly because he was totalley mental.
So he went to Egypt, and arrived to the great pyramid of Giza, and climbed it using plunger-shoes, with some difficulty, but he did it, because he was completelley crackers: when he was at the top of the pyramid, finally jumped with his hang-glider and the anvil tied: unexpectedly Rono flew, though not for long: fortunately he fell on a tree (which was strange, because it's a desert), but unfortunately his left testicle got caught or trapped, leaving Rono Benson hanging from a protruding branch.
Fortunately! His excruciating testicular stretching ended pronto cos the branch succumbed to the brute weight and got broken in 28 pieces: Rono crashed against the soil, passing away in the act in the most stupid way imaginable.
RIP Rono Benson, king of excesses and showbizz, it could have been a longer career, but you decided to fly from pyramids and set yourself on fire a la bonzo: terrible, tremendous, horrid, shocking, repulsive, dreadful, grotesqueue, detestable: abominable story indeed ladies & ladies; story abbout the insensate calamities of the easy dollar and the fast vagina: what, what; WHAT happened to this fatuous, to this ill-advised, to this imbecilic, to this crackbained, to this, to this...to Rono Benson? Eh? EH? It's the point of no-return of fortune and fame, and how ss-someone can get totalley groggy, totalley punch-drunk, complateley cretinous, dense and dopey when the promiscuous success, the facile sluttishness, the surreptitious ARRRRRRRHGHHH comes and comes and comes, eh? EHE?
Now please let me go ingest a slice of tiramisú and drink a cocucha, adieu, buenas tardes, adios, arrivederci, me las pico, au revoir, hasta pronto, auf wiedersehen, bye-bye, cheerio, good day, chau, ta' luego, ciao, con permiso, good-by, me voy, good-bye, goodby, me marcho, goodbye, sayonara, so long, farewell, word of farewell, andá cagar.
Finally he had to honor the bet, and did set himself afire like a bonzo: fortunately there was a fire extinguisher in the house, and Tylerotta quenched the ignited body of Rono Benson, saving him from a heroic but retarded death.
All this didn't daunt Rono, who still continued with his legendary excesses, even more: he decided to redouble the bet and go even beyond: his feat should be unforgettable, his reckless derring-do should be nonpareil, his bizarreness should be spectacular, because he was alrreadeyyy totallly nuuuutsssss, totally harebrained fucking crackpot-loopy, and completely and fucking doolally: for his ultimate adventure he would travel to Egypt, and jump flying a hang-glider from the highest pyramid, with an anvil tied to his feet.
Everybody begged him to forget such idiotic endeavour, but Rono didn't hear anybody mostly because he was totalley mental.
So he went to Egypt, and arrived to the great pyramid of Giza, and climbed it using plunger-shoes, with some difficulty, but he did it, because he was completelley crackers: when he was at the top of the pyramid, finally jumped with his hang-glider and the anvil tied: unexpectedly Rono flew, though not for long: fortunately he fell on a tree (which was strange, because it's a desert), but unfortunately his left testicle got caught or trapped, leaving Rono Benson hanging from a protruding branch.
Fortunately! His excruciating testicular stretching ended pronto cos the branch succumbed to the brute weight and got broken in 28 pieces: Rono crashed against the soil, passing away in the act in the most stupid way imaginable.
RIP Rono Benson, king of excesses and showbizz, it could have been a longer career, but you decided to fly from pyramids and set yourself on fire a la bonzo: terrible, tremendous, horrid, shocking, repulsive, dreadful, grotesqueue, detestable: abominable story indeed ladies & ladies; story abbout the insensate calamities of the easy dollar and the fast vagina: what, what; WHAT happened to this fatuous, to this ill-advised, to this imbecilic, to this crackbained, to this, to this...to Rono Benson? Eh? EH? It's the point of no-return of fortune and fame, and how ss-someone can get totalley groggy, totalley punch-drunk, complateley cretinous, dense and dopey when the promiscuous success, the facile sluttishness, the surreptitious ARRRRRRRHGHHH comes and comes and comes, eh? EHE?
Now please let me go ingest a slice of tiramisú and drink a cocucha, adieu, buenas tardes, adios, arrivederci, me las pico, au revoir, hasta pronto, auf wiedersehen, bye-bye, cheerio, good day, chau, ta' luego, ciao, con permiso, good-by, me voy, good-bye, goodby, me marcho, goodbye, sayonara, so long, farewell, word of farewell, andá cagar.
